After five§
She is in by twenty to six. The flat is one room and a kitchen end, the light off the balcony door going orange across the floor, and she does the things she does every evening before she lets herself stop: bag down, shoes off, kettle on. Then she takes the two sheets out of the pad and puts them side by side on the low table, in order, and sits down on the floor in front of them.
Sheet 1, front
ヴラドへ。昨日の電話のあと、ずっと考えていました。私はあなたのことが本当に好きです。ただの友達として、というだけでは足りない気がしています。
そこにあなたがいないのが、ただ悲しいです。三日間だけ、私の生活の中に人がいて、今はまたいません。
あなたは外から見ることができる人だと思います。私はこの生活の中にいすぎて、もう何が普通なのか分かりません。
母のことが一番重いです。階段で腕を持って、買い物をして。何年も続いています。国に全部任せてしまうのは、私にはできません。
でも、三人であちらに行くという形もあるのではないですか。母も一緒に。フルイド語は教えられます。それに、あそこではほとんどの人が英語も分かりますし、フルイド語だけの国でもありません。十の言語が話されていると聞きました。
一人ではなくなったと感じてから、自分の気持ちが抑えられません。泣きたくなるたびに、座ってしまいたくなります。
でも、家とお手洗い以外で泣ける場所はありません。ここでこれを書いているところを、誰にも見られたくない。
Sheet 1, back
英語も書かないと、あなたには読めません。裏に訳を書きます。
最近、夢にあなたが出てきます。ずっと抱きついている夢が多いです。
別の夢では、あなたが玄関の前に立っています。何も言わずに、ただそこにいます。目が覚めてから、しばらく動けません。
こんな夢は見たくありません。会いたいと思い続けるのは、しんどいです。
それでも、ちゃんとした人をもう一度信じてみる、あの感じは欲しいです。二つとも同時に思っています。
誰かをまた好きになったらどうなるか、もう知っている気がします。寺田さんのときと同じになるのかもしれません。
でも、違うかもしれない。それを確かめる方法が、ひとつもありません。
あなたは、今まで会ったどの人とも見た目が違います。手が荒れていて、握ったときにそれが分かりました。
私の首が少し高いので、肩に頭を置くのは簡単でした。あちらの自治の考え方では、見た目のことは考えるなということになっていますが、考えないのは難しいです。
目も少し大きくて、よく動きます。声も同じです。何を思っているかが、聞いていれば分かります。
怒っているとき、うんざりしているとき、あなたはそれを隠しません。正直な人だと思います。
まだ数日しか経っていません。それなのに、あなたのことをたくさん知った気がします。
こちらも、話しすぎたくらい話しました。何年も誰にも言わなかったことを、四日で全部言いました。
Sheet 2
あなたが泣くところは、ほとんど見ていません。それでも、人の気持ちがよく分かる人だと思います。
あなたが日本語を分かってくれたら、全部そのまま伝わるのに、と思います。でも分からないのだから、仕方がありません。
私もあなたのルーマニア語は分かりません。お互い様です。
ヴラドへ、愛をこめて。野崎理恵
さんを付けずに書きました。そのほうが近い気がして、あちらのやり方に近い気もします。
Reading the front§
Nozaki
sitting on the floor with the first sheet held at the top corner, reading under her breath Vurado e. Kinou no denwa no ato, zutto kangaete imashita. Watashi wa anata no koto ga hontou ni suki desu. Tada no tomodachi to shite, to iu dake de wa tarinai ki ga shite imasu.
going quieter Soko ni anata ga inai no ga, tada kanashii desu. Mikkakan dake, watashi no seikatsu no naka ni hito ga ite, ima wa mata imasen.
Anata wa soto kara miru koto ga dekiru hito da to omoimasu. Watashi wa kono seikatsu no naka ni isugite, mou nani ga futsuu na no ka wakarimasen.
the line about her mother read slower than the rest Haha no koto ga ichiban omoi desu. Kaidan de ude o motte, kaimono o shite. Nannen mo tsuzuite imasu. Kuni ni zenbu makasete shimau no wa, watashi ni wa dekimasen.
Demo, sannin de achira ni iku to iu katachi mo aru no de wa nai desu ka. Haha mo issho ni. Furuido-go wa oshieraremasu. Sore ni, asoko de wa hotondo no hito ga eigo mo wakarimasu shi, Furuido-go dake no kuni de mo arimasen. Juu no gengo ga hanasarete iru to kikimashita.
putting the sheet down flat on the table and reading the last two lines off it without lifting it Hitori de wa nakunatta to kanjite kara, jibun no kimochi ga osaeraremasen. Nakitaku naru tabi ni, suwatte shimaitaku narimasu.
Demo, ie to otearai igai de nakeru basho wa arimasen. Koko de kore o kaite iru tokoro o, dare ni mo miraretakunai.
To Vlad. Since the call yesterday I have been thinking about it the whole time. I really do like you. Saying it as a simple friend does not feel like enough.
That you are not here is simply sad. For three days there was a person inside my life, and now there is not.
I think you are a person who can see things from the outside. I have been inside this life too long and I no longer know what is normal.
My mother is the heaviest part, holding her arm on the stairs, doing her shopping. It has gone on for years. Leaving her entirely to the state is something I cannot do.
But there might be a form where the three of us go over there, my mother as well. Fluidian can be taught to her. And most people there understand English too, and it is not a country of one language. I have heard that ten languages are spoken.
Since I stopped feeling entirely alone I cannot hold my feelings. Every time it comes I want to sit down and let it happen.
But there is nowhere to cry other than home and the bathroom. I do not want anyone to see me writing this here.
Reading the back§
Nozaki
turning the sheet over and starting on the back, and her voice going before the third line does Eigo mo kakanai to, anata ni wa yomemasen. Ura ni yaku o kakimasu.
Saikin, yume ni anata ga dete kimasu. Zutto dakitsuite iru yume ga ooi desu.
Betsu no yume de wa, anata ga genkan no mae ni tatte imasu. Nani mo iwazu ni, tada soko ni imasu. Me ga samete kara, shibaraku ugokemasen.
wiping her face with the back of her wrist and going on Konna yume wa mitaku arimasen. Aitai to omoi tsuzukeru no wa, shindoi desu. Soredemo, chanto shita hito o mou ichido shinjite miru, ano kanji wa hoshii desu. Futatsu tomo douji ni omotte imasu.
Dareka o mata suki ni nattara dou naru ka, mou shitte iru ki ga shimasu. Terada-san no toki to onaji ni naru no kamo shiremasen. Demo, chigau kamo shirenai. Sore o tashikameru houhou ga, hitotsu mo arimasen.
reading the next part quickly, as though getting past it Anata wa, ima made atta dono hito to mo mitame ga chigaimasu. Te ga arete ite, nigitta toki ni sore ga wakarimashita. Watashi no kubi ga sukoshi takai node, kata ni atama o oku no wa kantan deshita. Achira no jichi no kangaekata de wa, mitame no koto wa kangaeru na to iu koto ni natte imasu ga, kangaenai no wa muzukashii desu.
Me mo sukoshi ookikute, yoku ugokimasu. Koe mo onaji desu. Nani o omotte iru ka ga, kiite ireba wakarimasu. Okotte iru toki, unzari shite iru toki, anata wa sore o kakushimasen. Shoujiki na hito da to omoimasu.
the last two lines of the back read almost inaudibly Mada suujitsu shika tatte imasen. Sore na no ni, anata no koto o takusan shitta ki ga shimasu. Kochira mo, hanashisugita kurai hanashimashita. Nannen mo dare ni mo iwanakatta koto o, yokka de zenbu iimashita.
putting the sheet down on the table, face up, and sitting with her hands in her lap
Without English as well you will not be able to read this. I will write a translation on the back.
Lately you come up in my dreams. In most of them I am holding onto you the whole time.
In another one you are standing at the front door. You say nothing and you are simply there. After I wake up I cannot move for a while.
I do not want dreams like this. Going on wanting to see someone is hard. And still I want that feeling of trying to trust a responsible person again. I am thinking both of those at the same time.
I feel as though I already know what happens when I come to like someone again. It may turn out the same as it did with Terada. Or it may be different. There is no way at all for me to find out which.
You look different from anyone I have met until now. Your hands are rough, and I noticed it when I held one. My neck is a little taller, so resting my head on your shoulder was easy. In the autonomist thinking over there one is told to give no thought to appearance, and giving it no thought is difficult.
Your eyes are a little larger as well, and they move a lot. Your voice is the same. If I listen, I can tell what you are thinking. When you are angry, when you are fed up, you do not hide it. I think you are an honest person.
Only a few days have passed. Even so, I feel as though I have come to know a lot about you. And I have talked, more than enough. Things I said to nobody for years, I said all of them in four days.
Why it lands now§
Nozaki
crying with her hands still in her lap, making no move to stop it Kaite ita toki wa, heiki datta no ni. Kaidan de wa te ga ugoite ita dake. Ima wa koko de, dare mo inai. Ie da kara ka.
sitting back against the side of the sofa, the phone face down beside her Ima kakereba ii no ni. Yonde, sore de owari ni sureba ii. Demo ano hito wa ryokou kara kaetta bakari de, watashi no koto de mou ippai da. Sukoshi matte kara ni shiyou.
turning the phone over and looking at the time on it Demo, yondara raku ni naru no mo wakatteru. Ichiji ni shiyou ka. Achira wa yuugata de, watashi mo mou nakiowatteru. Sore nara chodo ii.
When I was writing it I was fine. In the stairwell my hand was only moving. Now I am here and there is no one. Maybe it is because it is home.
I could ring now. Read it, and be done with it. But he has only just got back from the trip and he is already full of my business. I will leave it a while.
But I know that if I read it out I will be lighter afterwards. Shall I make it in the morning. It is evening over there, and by then I will have finished crying. That would be about right.
She puts the two sheets on the floor beside the futon, face down, and lies down on her side with the phone in her hand and the alarm set for a quarter to one. She sleeps in her work clothes with the light on. At a quarter to one the phone goes off next to her head, and she suddenly wakes up.
The recording§
She sits up on the futon with the sheets in front of her and records it in one go, reading in English off the Japanese, slowly, with the pauses where she has to work out a word.
Nozaki's phone, Koganei
-
Voice message, 5 min 12
To Vlad. Since the call yesterday I have been thinking about it the whole time. I really do like you. To say it as a simple friend does not feel like enough. That you are not here is only sad. For three days there was a person inside my life, and now there is not.
I think you are a person who can see things from the outside. I have been inside this life too long and I do not know any more what is normal. My mother is the heaviest part. Holding her arm on the stairs, doing her shopping. It has gone on for years. To leave her entirely to the state, I cannot do that. But there may be a form where the three of us go over there, my mother as well. Fluidian can be taught to her. And over there most people understand English too, and it is not a country of one language. I heard that ten languages are spoken.
Since I stopped feeling alone I cannot hold my feelings. Every time it comes I want to sit down and let it happen. But there is nowhere to cry except home and the bathroom. I did not want anyone to see me writing this there. Without English you cannot read this, so I will write a translation on the back.
Lately you come up in my dreams. In most of them I am holding onto you the whole time. In another one you are standing in front of the door. You say nothing, you are only there. After I wake up I cannot move for a while. I do not want dreams like this. To go on wanting to see someone is hard. And still I want that feeling of trying to trust a responsible person again. I am thinking both of those at the same time. I feel that I already know what happens when I like someone again. It may become the same as with Terada. Or it may be different. There is no way for me to find out which.
You look different from anyone I have met until now. Your hands are rough, I noticed when I held one. My neck is a little taller, so to put my head on your shoulder was easy. In the autonomist thinking over there they say do not think about appearance, and not to think about it is difficult. Your eyes are also a little larger and they move a lot. Your voice is the same. If I listen, I know what you are thinking. When you are angry, when you are fed up, you do not hide it. I think you are an honest person.
Only a few days have passed. Even so, I feel I came to know a lot about you. And I talked, more than enough. Things I did not say to anyone for years, I said all of them in four days. I have hardly seen you cry. Even so, I think you are a person who understands what others feel. I think how good it would be if you understood Japanese, then all of it would reach you as it is. You do not, so there is nothing to be done. I do not understand your Romanian either. We are the same.
To Vlad, with love. Nozaki Rie. I wrote it without san. It feels closer that way, and it feels closer to how it is done over there.
-
That is the letter I wanted to send you. It was heavy to write and it was heavier to read.
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Nozaki... you really like me
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I do.
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I like you too
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Then I did not read all that out for nothing.
The free ticket§
Nozaki's phone, Koganei
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Did you know that some tickets to Fluid are free?
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Free how. Free as in someone else pays for it, or free as in there is a form and a queue and a year of waiting.
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There is a specific airliner, the Aporean Airliners, which is a cooperative that recently started giving out tickets for anyone looking to enter the DSB, so as to align with its own standards of free transit.
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I have found it. Aporean Airliners, universal pass, and it is real, I am reading their own page.
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It is for people moving, not for tourists, and it is one use only. There is a box for dependants travelling with the holder.
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And you are looking to move permanently, so that may be the right ticket.
Her mother's certification§
Nozaki's phone, Koganei
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The ticket is solved then but what I do not know is my mother. She is certified here, and the certification is a Japanese one. Her care level, the hours she gets, the assessment behind it, all of that stops at the airport. If she arrives there as a woman with no papers about her legs, then what happens.
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Well, that's the unfortunate truth. Akima also has the same problem of being permanently stuck.
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The Fluid side does not worry me as she would be assessed there and she would get what she gets, and from everything I have read it would be more than she has now. The problem is that to take her out I need her off the register here, and the ward office will want to know who is taking responsibility for a woman of that age leaving the country.
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The housing cooperative has accessibility services, and you can couple her with a care center. The vast majority of care centers provide home services too.
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Home services would settle most of it. She does not want a home, she wants her own rooms and someone coming in Which cooperative are you in, and do they take people who arrive with a dependant, or is there a list?
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It's the Marginal Housing Cooperative, obviously, and they do take people who arrive with a dependant.
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Then I have one cooperative, one airline and one woman who has to be signed off a register in Japan.
The way in§
Nozaki's phone, Koganei
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Yeah, and then don't get bored in a train that is unlike the Shinkansen and do the right transfers.
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I have already looked at that part. Ferry into Lutoliluri, the coast line, and a change at Cortius, and it takes most of a day.
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Good. Now, you know, responding to a love confession doesn't have to be dramatic, so I just said that I like you.
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That was the right answer. I did not want a speech back, I wanted to know if it was mutual, and now I know.
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And the last few minutes were also an answer. You did not tell me it would be fine, you told me which airline, which cooperative. Working a thing out to that level is a form of love, because it has to hold up when I actually do it.
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I guess it's early for you. You need to sleep, so you can go to the office.
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Good night, Vlad. I am glad I read it.
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Me too, I like that you have shown your true emotions once again. Good night, Nozaki