The break at half two§
It is the next afternoon in Koganei. The shift runs to five and the break is at half two, and she takes it in the stairwell at the end of the floor. She has a pad of writing paper on her knees, the kind sold in the shop by the station, and a pen she has already tried on the inside of the cover. Half a line is on the top sheet. She looks at it for a while, at the opposite wall, at the time on her phone, and then back at the half line, working out how much of last night to put in and what to leave for him to ask about.
The first lines§
Nozaki
writing slowly, going back over one character to make it clearer ヴラドへ。昨日の電話のあと、ずっと考えていました。私はあなたのことが本当に好きです。ただの友達として、というだけでは足りない気がしています。
the pen stopping, then going on そこにあなたがいないのが、ただ悲しいです。三日間だけ、私の生活の中に人がいて、今はまたいません。
To Vlad. Since the call yesterday I have been thinking about it the whole time. I really do like you. Saying it as a simple friend does not feel like enough.
That you are not here is simply sad. For three days there was a person inside my life, and now there is not.
Her mother and the three of them§
Nozaki
sitting with the pen against her mouth for a while, working out whether it is too much to put on paper あなたは外から見ることができる人だと思います。私はこの生活の中にいすぎて、もう何が普通なのか分かりません。
writing faster now 母のことが一番重いです。階段で腕を持って、買い物をして。何年も続いています。国に全部任せてしまうのは、私にはできません。
stopping, then going on more carefully でも、三人であちらに行くという形もあるのではないですか。母も一緒に。フルイド語は教えられます。それに、あそこではほとんどの人が英語も分かりますし、フルイド語だけの国でもありません。十の言語が話されていると聞きました。
I think you are a person who can see things from the outside. I have been inside this life too long and I no longer know what is normal.
My mother is the heaviest part, holding her arm on the stairs, doing her shopping. It has gone on for years. Leaving her entirely to the state is something I cannot do.
But there might be a form where the three of us go over there, my mother as well. Fluidian can be taught to her. And most people there understand English too, and it is not a country of one language. I have heard that ten languages are spoken.
What she cannot hold§
Nozaki
glancing at the door once before she writes 一人ではなくなったと感じてから、自分の気持ちが抑えられません。泣きたくなるたびに、座ってしまいたくなります。
the pen moving closer to the edge of the sheet でも、家とお手洗い以外で泣ける場所はありません。ここでこれを書いているところを、誰にも見られたくない。
Since I stopped feeling entirely alone I cannot hold my feelings. Every time it comes I want to sit down and let it happen.
But there is nowhere to cry other than home and the bathroom. I do not want anyone to see me writing this here.
Which language to write it in§
Nozaki
stopping and turning the sheet over, looking at the blank back of it 英語も書かないと、あなたには読めません。裏に訳を書きます。 (Without English as well you will not be able to read this. I will write a translation on the back.)
putting the pen down for a moment Or I send it as messages and you have it tonight. A whole letter typed into a phone, in a stairwell, in twenty minutes. It can be done and it will be a mess.
The dreams§
Nozaki
picking the pen up again and turning the sheet back over, since there is more than she thought 最近、夢にあなたが出てきます。ずっと抱きついている夢が多いです。
writing without stopping 別の夢では、あなたが玄関の前に立っています。何も言わずに、ただそこにいます。目が覚めてから、しばらく動けません。
Lately you come up in my dreams. In most of them I am holding onto you the whole time.
In another one you are standing at the front door. You say nothing and you are simply there. After I wake up I cannot move for a while.
Terada, or something else§
Nozaki
the pen slowing, then going on こんな夢は見たくありません。会いたいと思い続けるのは、しんどいです。
a short pause before the next line それでも、ちゃんとした人をもう一度信じてみる、あの感じは欲しいです。二つとも同時に思っています。
not lifting the pen between the two lines 誰かをまた好きになったらどうなるか、もう知っている気がします。寺田さんのときと同じになるのかもしれません。
writing it more slowly でも、違うかもしれない。それを確かめる方法が、ひとつもありません。
I do not want dreams like this. Going on wanting to see someone is hard.
And still I want that feeling of trying to trust a responsible person again. I am thinking both of those at the same time.
I feel as though I already know what happens when I come to like someone again. It may turn out the same as it did with Terada.
Or it may be different. There is no way at all for me to find out which.
How he looks and how he sounds§
Nozaki
rereading the last line before she adds to it あなたは、今まで会ったどの人とも見た目が違います。手が荒れていて、握ったときにそれが分かりました。
writing with the pad tilted away from the door 私の首が少し高いので、肩に頭を置くのは簡単でした。あちらの自治の考え方では、見た目のことは考えるなということになっていますが、考えないのは難しいです。
going on at the same speed 目も少し大きくて、よく動きます。声も同じです。何を思っているかが、聞いていれば分かります。
pressing harder on the last part 怒っているとき、うんざりしているとき、あなたはそれを隠しません。正直な人だと思います。
You look different from anyone I have met until now. Your hands are rough, and I noticed it when I held one.
My neck is a little taller, so resting my head on your shoulder was easy. In the autonomist thinking over there one is told to give no thought to appearance, and giving it no thought is difficult.
Your eyes are a little larger as well, and they move a lot. Your voice is the same. If I listen, I can tell what you are thinking.
When you are angry, when you are fed up, you do not hide it. I think you are an honest person.
Four days of talking§
Nozaki
checking the time on her phone and then writing faster まだ数日しか経っていません。それなのに、あなたのことをたくさん知った気がします。
the last line running close to the bottom of the sheet こちらも、話しすぎたくらい話しました。何年も誰にも言わなかったことを、四日で全部言いました。
turning to the second sheet あなたが泣くところは、ほとんど見ていません。それでも、人の気持ちがよく分かる人だと思います。
Only a few days have passed. Even so, I feel as though I have come to know a lot about you.
And I have talked, more than enough. Things I said to no one for years, I said all of them in four days.
I have hardly seen you cry at all. Even so, I think you are a person who understands what others feel.
The close of the letter§
Nozaki
stopping with the pen above the paper for a while あなたが日本語を分かってくれたら、全部そのまま伝わるのに、と思います。でも分からないのだから、仕方がありません。
a small movement at the corner of her mouth 私もあなたのルーマニア語は分かりません。お互い様です。
writing the close and then sitting back to look at it ヴラドへ、愛をこめて。野崎理恵
adding a line under it, smaller さんを付けずに書きました。そのほうが近い気がして、あちらのやり方に近い気もします。
I think how good it would be if you understood Japanese, since then all of it would reach you as it is. You do not, so there is nothing to be done about it.
I do not understand your Romanian either. We are the same.
To Vlad, with love. Nozaki Rie.
I have written it without san. It feels closer that way, and it also feels closer to how it is done over there.
Someone at the door§
Colleague
pushing the stairwell door back on its hinge and stopping halfway through Nozaki-san, koko ni ita n desu ka. Nani shiten no, sonna tokoro de. (Nozaki, so this is where you were. What are you doing sitting there?)
Nozaki
turning the pad face down against her knees Iya, betsu ni. Kyuukei shiteta dake desu. (No, nothing in particular. I was just on my break.)
Colleague
coming down a step and tilting his head toward the pad Nani yonderu no. Ura ni nanka kaite aru yo. (What are you reading? There is something written on the back.)
Nozaki
keeping her hand flat on the back of the pad Naka wa, iwanai hou ga ii to omoimasu. Sumimasen. (What is in it, I think it is better not to say. Sorry.)
Colleague
straightening up and letting the door fall back against the hook Wakatta, kikanai. Ja, nani kangaeteta no, sakki kara. (All right, I will not ask. So what have you been thinking about all this time?)
Incesant§
Nozaki
looking up at him instead of answering the question Furuido-go de "ursai" tte nan te iu ka, shittemasu ka. "incesant" desu. Shitsukoi to iu imi mo, urusai to iu imi mo, ryouhou arimasu. "Ursai" wa sore yori sukoshi ue de, sono ue ni "irat", okotteru, ga arimasu. (Do you know how you say "urusai" in Fluidian? It is "incesant". It carries both the sense of going on and on and the sense of being irritating. "Ursai" sits a little above it, and above that there is "irat", angry.)
Colleague
standing with one hand still on the door Sore de, nani ga iitai no. (And what is it you are trying to say with that?)
Nozaki
putting the pen back in the fold of the pad Ima no anata ga sore da to omoimasu. (I think that is what you are right now.)
Colleague
taking his hand off the door Sore wa hidoi n ja nai. Chotto iisugi da yo. (That is a bit much. You have gone too far with that.)
Nozaki
saying it flat, without looking up from the pad Daca ia tropo intens, tunc que? (And if I am too much, then what?)
Colleague
frowning at her Ima no, nani. (What was that just now?)
Nozaki
Furuido-go desu. (It is Fluidian.)
Fluid and kyosan§
Colleague
coming down the last step and standing over her Furuido no koto bakari kangaeru no wa yamena yo. Tooi shi, koko to wa mattaku chigau. Tada de mono ga moraeru kara tte, shakai shugi no kuni ni iku nante, yamete kure yo. a short breath through his nose Sore ni, are wa shakai shugi ja nai. Kyousan, tte ji no toori da yo. Minna de motteru tte koto darou. (Stop thinking about Fluid all the time. It is far away and it is completely different from here. Do not go off to a socialist republic just so things are handed to you for free. And it is not socialism. It is kyosan, exactly as the characters say, everyone owning the thing together.)
Nozaki
picking the pad up off her knees and holding it against her chest Shakai shugi demo kyousan shugi demo, watashi wa dou demo ii desu. Akima-san ga sou iu tokoro ni sunderu no wa shitte imasu. Sore mo dou demo ii desu. (Whether it is socialism or communism, it makes no difference to me. I know that Akima lives in a place like that. That does not matter either.)
Colleague
Akima-san tte, dare. (Who is Akima?)
Nozaki
Mae no doryou desu. (A former colleague.)
Getting outside§
Colleague
looking at the pad against her chest Sonna kotoba, doko de oboeta no. (Where did you learn a language like that?)
Nozaki
El es tot crite e nulcosa. (It is all critters and nothing.)
Colleague
lifting both hands slightly Sakki kara sono iikata, nani na no. (What is it with these expressions of yours?)
Nozaki
Pote tu ir extra? (Can you go outside?)
Colleague
staying where he is Sore, dou iu imi. Sakki kara shitsumon ni kotaetenai yo. (What does that mean? You have not been answering my questions this whole time.)
Nozaki
El significa te ir extra. (It means to get outside.)
Colleague
a short laugh, more surprised than anything Nozaki-san, nani yatteru no, hontou ni. (Nozaki, what are you actually doing?)
How the language works§
Nozaki
sitting forward with the pad still against her chest Ano kotoba wa, doushi ga hitotsu no katachi shika nai n desu. Dare ga suru ka wa, mae no daimeishi dake de kimarimasu. "ia" ga watashi, "tu" ga anata, "el" wa kare demo kanojo demo sore demo onaji desu.
putting one finger on the edge of the pad for each piece "Pote tu ir extra" wa, dekiru ka, anata ga, soto ni iku. Hon ni wa, shitsumon demo gojun wa kawaranai to kaite arimasu. "El significa te ir extra" wa, sore wa, imi suru, soto ni iku koto o.
a small shrug "El es tot crite e nulcosa" wa, sore wa zenbu mushi de, nanimo nai. "incesant" mitai ni, hitotsu no tango ga imi o ikutsu mo motte imasu. Muko no gakkai wa sore o "densificatiun" to yonde imasu.
In that language the verb has only one form. Who does it is decided by the pronoun in front and nothing else. "ia" is I, "tu" is you, and "el" is he, she or it, all the same word.
"Pote tu ir extra" is: can, you, go outside. The book says the order stays the same even in a question. "El significa te ir extra" is: it, means, to go outside.
"El es tot crite e nulcosa" is: it is all critters and nothing. Like "incesant", one word carries several senses at once. The academy over there calls that "densificatiun".
Colleague
shaking his head once Sonna no, mendokusai dake ja nai. Nan de sonna koto oboeteru no. (That is just needlessly complicated. Why are you even learning something like that?)
Nozaki
Muko ni hito ga iru kara desu. (Because I have people over there.)
Out§
Colleague
Hito tte, dou iu koto. Nan de muko ni hito ga iru no. (People, meaning what? How is it that you have people over there?)
Nozaki
pressing the pad flatter against her chest Sakki kara, kao ni dete ita to omoimasu ga. Detette kudasai, tte iu koto desu. (I think it has been on my face this whole time. It means please leave.)
Colleague
staying on the step Sonna hakkiri mono o iu no, doko de oboeta no. Mae wa sonna hito ja nakatta yo ne. (Where did you learn to speak that plainly? You were not like that before.)
Nozaki
standing up with the pad and the pen in one hand Dete. Ima sugu. taking one step toward the door Kyuukei owaru made, koko wa watashi no basho desu. Dete itte. (Out. Right now. Until the break is over this place is mine. Go.)
Colleague
staying exactly where he is, one hand on the rail
Nozaki
Anata ga koko ni kite iru riyuu, wakatte imasu. Watashi o moto ni modoshitai n desho. Nanimo kangaenai, nanimo iwanai, mae no watashi ni. (I know why you have come in here. You want to put me back the way I was. Thinking nothing, saying nothing, the person I was before.)
Colleague
standing where he is, saying nothing
Nozaki
Muko no tomodachi to no koto wa, zenbu watashi no mono desu. Kono tegami mo sou desu.
holding the pad so the written side stays against her Sore ni, kore o okuru aite wa, kono ji ga hitotsu mo yomemasen. Furuido-go mo, ano kuni de hanasarete iru hoka no kotoba mo, zenbu ra-ten moji desu kara.
Sokoni tatteru dake de, atama no naka o ijirarete iru you na kanji ga shimasu. Zutto sou desu.
keeping the pad against her Demo, anata ga omotteru koto o, watashi ga mitomeru koto wa arimasen. Hitotsu mo.
looking at him for a long moment, then taking the phone out of her pocket with her free hand Ii desu. Sokoni ite kudasai. Watashi wa denwa o shimasu.
finding the name and putting the phone to her ear without turning away from him
What is between me and my friends over there is all mine and this letter is part of that.
And besides, the person I am sending this to cannot read a single one of these characters. Fluidian and every other language spoken in that country are all in Latin script.
Just by standing there you give me the feeling of having my head interfered with. It has been like this the whole time.
But I am not going to confirm what you think. Not one part of it.
Fine. Stay there. I am going to make a call.
The call from the stairwell§
Nozaki
the ringing going on for a while, then her voice dropping into English Sorry for the hour there. I am at work, in the stairwell, and there is a man from my section standing three steps above me who will not go away.
Vlad
And...
Nozaki
He has been picking at my head for twenty minutes. Where did I learn the language, why do I know people there, what is on the paper, and every time I answer he asks the same thing in a different way.
Vlad
So, he has been torturing your mind.
Nozaki
He has. the phone still against her ear, her eyes on him I tried answering him in Fluidian to make him stop. I told him to go outside, twice, and I told him it is all critters and nothing. He asked what the words meant and stayed where he was.
Vlad
And does he know Fluidian?
Nozaki
No. He knows nothing about it and he has an opinion about it anyway.
Vlad
What has he told you about Fluid?
Nozaki
That it is far away, that it is nothing like here, and that I should not run off to a socialist republic to be handed things for free. Then he corrected himself and said it is not socialism, it is kyosan, everyone owning the thing together, as though that settled it.
Vlad
Kyosan shugi... right. But even if it's kyosan, it doesn't matter.
Nozaki
That is what I said to him. Whichever word he wants, it makes no difference to me. Akima lives there and that is the only part of it I have ever cared about.
Vlad
So, you are stuck alone in a room with him somewhere.
Nozaki
A stairwell, with the door on the hook. He is on the third step and I am on the landing, and the break has several minutes left in it.
The earthquake alert§
Vlad
I am not sure what I could do in the situation other than a deflection, like, kinkyu jishin sukohu, tsuoi
Nozaki
something close to a laugh into the phone, still watching him Kinkyuu jishin sokuhou. Tsuyoi yure ni keikai shite kudasai. (Emergency earthquake alert. Please be on guard for strong shaking.)
lowering the phone slightly If I say that out loud in here he will look at his own phone before he looks at me.
Vlad
But the voice is a man, so let me read the script... slowly Kinkyuu jishin sokuhou... Tsuyoi yuri ni keikai shite... kudasai.
Nozaki
holding the phone a little away from her ear so it carries into the stairwell, watching him hear it and stay exactly where he is Yure, not yuri. Yuri is a flower.
not lowering the phone He heard the whole thing and he has not moved. He knows it is a joke on a phone line.
Vlad
Obviously, and so is Jishindes or whatever it is...
Nozaki
the corner of her mouth going up for a second Jishin desu. It is just the word and desu, the way the announcement says it. Jishin desu, jishin desu.
Vlad
We could say "măi băiete, de ce nu te apuci și tu de treabă?", "my boy, why don't you get to work?"
Nozaki
Say it again, slowly, and I will say it to him with your accent on it.
Vlad
Maybe... măi băiete, de ce nu te apuci și tu de treabă?
Nozaki
lifting her chin at him and saying it carefully, one word at a time, with the phone still at her ear Mai baiete, de ce nu te apuci si tu de treaba? (My boy, why do you not get to work?)
to the phone He has not blinked. Say what the last part is again, the treaba.
Vlad
You pronounce ă like the a in above, so, it's trea-bă.
Nozaki
Treaba. trying it once more, quieter Treaba.
back to the phone And he is still there.
Pile and guessing the relative§
Vlad
Anti-bullying campaign solution is... using other authority. Do you have whom to say?
Nozaki
Not really. The section chief is two floors up and he plays golf with this one's uncle, and the labour bureau takes it in writing, with dates, and rings the company to check. The company then knows who wrote it.
Vlad
So, we have a nepo baby in English, or in Romanian, "pile".
Nozaki
Pile. We have the same thing and we call it a connection, and it is not even said as a complaint here. It is said the way you would say he is good at his work.
Vlad
There is a game called "ghicește neamul". The purpose of the game is to guess whom relative is by looking at features.
Nozaki
looking him over slowly while she says it into the phone Then I am playing it. The nose is the uncle's. I have seen the uncle twice at the New Year thing and the nose is the same nose.
The name with the semicolon in it§
Vlad
And since I have seen this game in a film satirizing corruption. We can modify the parameters. My name is Vlad quote or apostrophe, parenthesis, semicolon, drop table, choose a table of your choosing, semicolon, comment out. And I did Bobby Tables. So, now, guess the features and convert his name to a Bobby Table.
Nozaki
How does that work, exactly? I know the name and I have never understood the joke past the drawing.
Vlad
This is an illustrative name for database form that lack filtration. In any unfiltered database, I can place my name inside the parenthesis of the select command of the automatic query. But I can also place commands because the form runs a script rather than looking at the string like a human.
So, I type my name, close the parenthesis in place of the place, I type any command, like drop table, which deletes the table, although I can also say truncate table, which deletes all elements but not the table, I can add elements via the insert and alter commands, then I close the statement and comment out the original closing parenthesis with two dashes.
Nozaki
following it with her eyes closed for a second So the form never asks whether the thing in it is a name. It puts whatever I typed straight into the sentence it sends, and the two dashes throw away the rest of that sentence so it never notices the end is missing.
opening her eyes at him again Then his name is Yamashita apostrophe, close bracket, semicolon, drop table koyou, semicolon, two dashes. Koyou is the employment record. He would be off the payroll and still standing on that step.
Vlad
This name, when entered in a unfiltered form, deletes all employment, for everyone, which is why you need to use the delete from table name where and any conditition, like if name is, to delete only his employment.
Nozaki
Then not drop table. Delete from koyou where namae equals Yamashita, semicolon, two dashes. Only his row goes.
Vlad
That's right, now convert his name to a bobby table.
Nozaki
reading it off the back of the pad where she has written it out Yamashita apostrophe, close bracket, semicolon, delete from koyou where namae equals apostrophe Yamashita apostrophe, semicolon, two dashes.
looking up at him And he is watching me write his own name down and he has still not asked what I am writing.
Vlad
And now again in Japanese.
Nozaki
turning the pad around so the line faces him and reading it out to him in the stairwell, slowly Yamashita, apostorofi, kakko toji, semikoron, delete from koyou where namae wa Yamashita, semikoron, haifun futatsu.
pointing the pen at his face, one feature at a time Hana wa oji-san. Ago mo oji-san. Me dake wa chigau kara, sore wa okaasan-gawa desu ne.
Yamashita, apostrophe, closing bracket, semicolon, delete from koyou where namae is Yamashita, semicolon, two hyphens.
The nose is your uncle's. The chin as well. Only the eyes are different, so those come from your mother's side.
The boring answer§
Colleague
taking his hand off the rail Nani sore. Ima no, nan na no. (What is that? What was that just now?)
Nozaki
lowering the pad, her voice going flat and administrative Gaikoku no asobi desu. Futatsu arimasu. Hitotsu wa, kao o mite shinseki o ateru asobi desu. Mou hitotsu wa, namae ni kigou o ireru asobi desu. Sore dake desu. (They are games from abroad. There are two of them. One is a game of guessing the relative from the face. The other is a game of putting symbols into a name. That is all.)
Colleague
standing there a moment longer, then letting go of the rail and going back up two steps Aa, sou. at the top, without turning round Kyuukei, ato sukoshi da yo. (Right. I see. There is not much of the break left.)
Sending the letter§
Nozaki
waiting until the door at the top has shut properly, then sitting back down on the landing with the phone still at her ear He is gone. a long breath out It was the boring answer that did it. Everything else I said made him stay.
turning the pad back over to the written side I have a letter here for you, written before he came in. I will photograph it and send it now, both sides.
Vlad
I will wait for it.
Nozaki
the shutter sound twice, once for each side It is in Japanese, so the photographs will tell you nothing on their own. I will read it to you.
Vlad
Then I'll wait for you.
Nozaki
standing up and putting the pad under her arm After five, when I am home, not in this stairwell.
Vlad
Sure, I'll leave you to it.
Nozaki
Then I go back to the floor. Talk to you at five, my five.
Vlad
See you later, Nozaki.
Nozaki
See you later, Vlad.